Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

Husband: We should go to Costco.

Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?

H: I said Costco, not Walmart.

Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

#gardening

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.