Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

LMAO

Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.