My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Science memes
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now