me: alexa, make all these people leave my house
alexa: *plays the chainsmokers*
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
You Might Also Like
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.
[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?
Me: it’s brownies.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this