@jellybnbonanza

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

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@gossipgriII

me: alexa, make all these people leave my house

alexa: *plays the chainsmokers*

@Chay_Raghu

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees.

[Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

@Gooooats

Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?

Me: it’s brownies.

@TrueTorontoGirl

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

@Manda_like_wine

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@Cheeseboy22

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@snowflakecheese

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

@OllyiConic

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change