My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head