My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Succinctly put.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
they finally got him. they got macavity
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
is it too early for christmas memes
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.