My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
You Might Also Like
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”