Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Now this is how you LinkedIn

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”