Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

m’lady

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

some things should go without saying