Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.