My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
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I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”