Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.

(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line