Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
My blood type is coffee.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly