Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service