Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

It was worth a shot 😂

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]