My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
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i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
