My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
