Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

I love the National Park Service.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.