Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

2 years later

Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.