INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My neighbor with the Confederate flag is harmless after all.
He just drove off in the cutest little ghost costume.
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Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
you either don’t eat cereal for months or you eat 3 bowls in one night there is no in between
fog is just god’s snapchat filter
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: I have a question about this time travel machine I bought from you guys
Him: Sir, we don’t sell time travel machines
me: not yet
You’re more likely to find something when you’re not looking for it. Right now, I’m not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.