I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.