“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
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barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.