Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.