My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
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8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
me irl
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Me: No.
My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth