My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
