Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

Art by Pastelkatto

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments

my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*