My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)