My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I need better friends