Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

me: I stand corrected

chiropractor: you’re welcome

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

crochet youtube is brutal

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.