Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo