My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
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This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
My dog learned how to text
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.