My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

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Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!


Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”


Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.


Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.


[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK


When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.


[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.


Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.


Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.