My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
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I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?