@Try2StopME

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

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@sixfootcandy

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

@iinkedZombie

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

@UnFitz

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

@simoncholland

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

@BastardProphet

When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.

@TheToddWilliams

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

@MeganGetsMoney

Logged out of Twitter for a few hours… Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.

@andyerikson

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.