Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

My beach vacation Google searches

murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons

me: i’ll wait

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

colleague: do u like the clown from IT?

me: nah he never fixes my computer

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?

Me: Wanna buy my book?

Them: No.

Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.