My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
what it’s like dating me:
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
This will never not be funny to me.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.