Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?