My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.