Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

Effort made

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean