Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

[meeting new people]

Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself

Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

“TGIM!” – My liver

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches