Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion

having children is a pyramid scheme.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

A dad and his duck

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

*updates tinder bio*

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself