My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
You Might Also Like
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!