Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

best first i’ve ever seen

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

[commercial for toilets]

°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°

There’s got to be a better way

It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.