My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
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Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
mood
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Going to church you guys need anything
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.