My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
I need to update my racial profile.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
This is my brand.
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂