My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Just ordered me some pizza!
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four