Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.

His future in Politics is secure.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.