My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Woke up against my better judgment again
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
What is going on? 😅
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.