Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.