Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
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JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.