My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.