Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Before & after 😅

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

[taking out my Diva Cup]

Dracula: you gonna drink that?

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true