My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Mission: Impossible
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
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