Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose

Me: I pick u…

Partner: I knew you lov…

Me: …nited airlines

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’

*A Girl Passes by..*

Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”