My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.