Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

ㅤ

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.