My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart