Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

How funny!

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

My inexpensive home security system…

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*