Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.

Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

You: (tweeting something personal and profound)

Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults