My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I’m not sorry.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.