My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Come back with a warrant
When news reporters do sports stories
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.