My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
This story is comedy gold 😂
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I need to sieze this.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
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Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]