My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
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boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
🤣could you imagine
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
#dnd #ttrpg
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do