My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.