My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
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Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.