My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
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OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
