My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste