My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
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Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that