Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First Date

Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.

Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man