My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?