my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
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lmao
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!