Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”

– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂

me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers

I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.